Navigating life’s changes: part 2

It has been a long time coming back in here. Almost two years since my last post. The website even had to become defunct for a while and I just resurrected it three weeks ago knowing that I will be ready to put down my words and finally write what I have been through, but I find myself dilly-dallying, I just couldn’t begin. This is not merely writer’s block anymore or the lack of time. It’s just that after so many beginnings, in between, and bittersweet endings, there are not enough words to describe each. I am just that overwhelmed.

However, I choose to begin again. A passion just doesn’t die out of emotional turmoil or emptiness, I believe it is still a commitment. So here I am once more and I am going to write the hell out of this journey. I would just probably write specifics on next posts but here’s a rough recall in a nutshell.

On Motherhood and Me

So, I am now a mum of almost 2 year old toddler. What I pictured it to be was way different to how it is currently. It is a lot of hard work– you have to be armored with heaps of breathing exercises or other relaxation techniques and lots of validation that it is normal and it is okay. To even say it is messy just won’t cut it. I would say messy on ordinary days but catastrophic on extraordinary days. But even so and ironically, I would still describe it as beautiful growth. I have embraced the fact that motherhood is a process of learning, a never- ending learning. While I learn how to take care of another human being completely dependent on you, I am discovering about myself– my triggers, my strengths, how do I cope or not cope, and being brave to ask for help when all else fail. This is my way of growth and although sometimes it is counterproductive, what I have learned as well in my times of plight is leave it all to the universe if it is out of my control. I also have learned to establish my boundaries to keep me enough for me and for my ultimate priorities. Admittedly, I am still not perfectly handling it. I falter and fall but I start over. Sometimes my 5 steps forward maybe 10 steps back but, taking back steps isn’t too bad I realized. Starting over makes you see things you haven’t seen the first time and that’s what we call a change in perspective and I guess this has made me who I am today.

Add Career to the Juice

While navigating motherhood on the early months, I went back to work when my baby was almost 6 months old. To answer why, I had very minimal choice. I tried with breast milk pumping while at work but after more than a month, I had to give up and just heavily relied on the milk stash. At work, initial weeks were a mess. I suffered with brain fog as I was still nursing my mental health, navigating motherhood and starting over a career on a foreign land. There is too much on my plate that no matter how many times some supportive people would tell me to be kind and compassionate with myself, I just could not. I can’t falter as there are human beings depending on me. I was in and out of anxiety, self- doubt, plummeting confidence and depression while breaking and fighting complex traumas. Stopping my breast milk production journey added to the weight plus while my baby is growing and I just couldn’t balance things internally, he has developed affinity to his father which I am happy about. But to be really honest, it hit me in the gut with mother guilt and shame. I was very hard and unforgiving of myself. I was on the verge of quitting, but I gathered all my strength and inspiration (husband and baby) and persevered. This year, finally, I obtained my independence to practice as a physician here in Australia. The hard work has paid off. However the destination isn’t exactly impactful to me to be frank. I guess because I was just so tired of the environment and the set up (work and home respectively) as I was in at that time, I didn’t feel the excitement. Relief is the word I would put it. Relief that finally, I am going home. Home to replenish and fill in me again.

The Noggin’s shape

Healing is not linear. It has rough edges and loops and surprising twists. As I have mentioned above, I am nursing my mental health by finding the right tools to help me manage it. Day by day, mending. I feel like I am once an unhealthy plant but with proper environment and some love and compassion here and there I am turning over a new leaf. I guess when I left work and commenced my terminal leave, I am able to reconnect with myself. I still continue my therapy and counseling if I can and needed to and I feel no shame about this side of vulnerability. I am at peace, knowing that I cannot change my history but I can find my light in the coming dark places. It might not be instantaneous, but I will find it, I always do. And maybe on my lucky days, I might even shine a light for those who need it.