Navigating life’s changes: part 1

[Warning: sensitive issues involving mental health. Read with caution and without judgment.]

Pandemic. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Those are the words that define my time away from this part of myself. Admittedly, I lost touch and enthusiasm with a lot of what I used to do and conserved my energy on the limited things I only need and willingly get done. Believe me, I have attempted so many times to write– titles and few words were left hanging on the draft box which I regret deeply including not being able to share my pregnancy journey on reel time.

But I remember vividly almost everything. In fact, for the lack of a better word, I have an adjective for it: STORMY. It was a meaningful chaos and still an on going one. My three words were bewilderingly interconnected, but individually splashing bouts of harsh winds and waves in my own little circle, shattering every fence of my comfort zone, bringing such unfamiliarity that I was once confident I can handle, but boy was I wrong.

My three big words led me to an unprecedented journey. Messy and beautiful to navigate if you look at the colorful side of the picture. But there’s a dark- monochromatic, chilly other side that wasn’t talked about a lot because it is harrowingly uncomfortable, and with this pandemic, it adds to the murkiness of the world’s situation. But I digress. Perinatal and postnatal experiences both positive and much so negative should be in the wide open especially in this time of pandemic in which we are pushed to be isolated, detached from a number of tangible support. Bringing this issue is not just a mere social responsibility to erase pent up guilt and sympathy, it is an issue that has to be dealt with kindness, with indispensable time, and with genuine empathy. Because really, speaking from my own rabbit’s hole, it is destructive and lonely.

Yes, I was clinically diagnosed with Peripartum Anxiety, and going about with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) and Depression (PPD). There I said it. It isn’t easy for me to say it for the world to see but I am doing it because there would be one or two mums who would read this having the same ordeal and will know that she will never be alone. Cliché as it sounds, but as for me, it brought heaps of light and help knowing that it is common, and a small statistic of diagnosed cases doesn’t mean you won’t find anyone you can relate with because here I am. In exposing my vulnerability, I am going to be perversely anxious about probable judgments, comparisons, and weakness because I am not past that stage and I am pretty sure I am going to lose sleep in many nights to come. But I am choosing to be raw and to be bold with the thought that this will be an eye-opener and in time it will impart an important lesson.

I am a naturally an anxious person, but high- functioning, admittedly. Nevertheless, it has started to become irrational when I was on my third trimester of pregnancy. It could be because my hormones are firing up like crazy, but rising from my subconscious, I know that this is a deep seated matter. I remember when was in college, as part of my bachelor course in Psychology, we got to have a first hand experience with answering different Psychiatric tests and my anxiety category is always, never fail, through the roof. But I thrive on it, I let it drive me through my ambition. Otherwise, I wouldn’t become a physician. It also made me become more sensitive and highly observant so I get cues in dealing with people. So I know, it isn’t a bad thing all the time. Though, there are occasions that it is rather nuisance than help because it strain and cost me relationships. I also remember when I was a child, I was insomniac. I literally don’t sleep that was probably rooted from major upheavals in life– the one in which I don’t want my child to ever experience, hence the perinatal anxiety brewing up within me to go against the ordeal I had gone through. Adding up to the fact that COVID-19 pandemic is happening, reaching out your hand only to find that there’s a glass wall on the other side, they try to hear you, try to read your lips, but the disconnect is plausibly inaudible as well. That’s how it feels.

My therapist said, or so I interpreted, I am the standard patient of PPA/PPD as I ticked most of the boxes of risk factors (In this link, it will show the list of the contributing factors of PPA and PPD from the panda.org.au.). Adding to the fact that I suffered PTSD due to life threatening labor and delivery as for the very first time in my life I suffered from panic attacks, the anxiety intensified to the point that it is taking over every minute of my life. Even when I veer away and try to make distractions, it doubly pulls me back. It seems that it is something that I need to face because I have been avoiding and power through-ing the issues from the get go. Nonetheless this was my breakthrough of the version of myself that I always ignore.

I am a work in progress. Everyday, when I wake up, it’s always a conscious decision to be strong for my husband and my baby. But there are numerous times that I falter, I concede to negative emotions. I have days when I am swallowed by my own sink hole and hoping that tomorrow I am going to survive. Although everyday is not a promise, I choose to learn. Despite the fact that I battle everyday with my catastrophic thoughts, it would be a disservice to my individuality and my roles in my life- as a wife and a mum if I will not learn from it. Despair is one thing but arising from it no matter how slow and repetitive is still progress.

My thoughts are still not clear as reflective of this prose. It is all over the place. This is my curve ball to motherhood. Somebody once said curve balls are opportunitiesi, and I would like to hold on to it. Albeit it was merely targeting me til I hit ground, it’s teaching me to really focus my attention to what really matters and will not go amiss again.

This honest to goodness post is just the beginning of the many post about mental health, my pregnancy and birth experience up to motherhood: how I struggle and how I cope with it. I am starting this because I know that when I put these emotions and thoughts in black and white, it will help me map and navigate more of these challenging life changes. If you find this gloomy, it’s alright. Because this is reality and not some instagram perfection post, and reality undeniably bites.