There’s a reason for my procrastination in posting articles. I found myself crawling in to a deep, sad hole that I thought would take me back to the Philippines. Yes, that’s how badly shaped my emotional state was, but I soldiered on and kept it going because I do know that my biggest supporter is here with me. Hence, the delay of productivity. Also, I owe it to my very small population of readers to post about my experiences as an immigrant, full- time housewife so I am forcefully omitting this writer’s block and returning to my regular self.
One of my hobbies is to watch endless TED talks especially if I am searching for an inspiration to get me going, or just get by. Sometimes, I do it to satiate my yearning for discovery, that there are different kinds of people out there and there are varied ways to approach life. I’ve been meaning to post something about my status quo, but my reluctance got the better of me that I don’t want to show so much vulnerability because I am afraid of regret– meaning too much exposure will put me in an uncomfortable position, and I will so regret it.
I came across this TED talk by Suleika Jaouad entitled, “What almost dying taught me about living“. I thought it’s a TED talk merely about Cancer survival but it unexpectedly made me understand the very same reluctance I was having about posting my current status topic. The speaker and I definitely do not have anything alike in life but the fact that in the past, she viewed the world with such two polarizing idea, convinced me to watch the whole version and not just the 3 minute version you see on Facebook, mainly because that’s the way how I generally look at the world since. Examples of polarizing ideas are: Health and Sickness, Success and Failure, etc. Of course, there are pockets of good things in the in- between, but I haven’t completely wrapped up the idea that the in- between is strongly meaningful rather than boring and exhausting, because most of us would view end points are the end goals and that is what’s important, right?
Suleika Jaouad is a spirited Leukemia survivor who endured several cycles of treatment, who went in and out of the hospital as if it was her home for several years and documented her journey with cancer through her blog. After years of battle, she came out in remission and healthy since then. However, Suleika has been looking for a meaning in life after cancer. She had this profound feeling of uncertainty with her current position now that she’s healthy and eventually felt this sense of guilt of being defined as a hero of her journey. “So what’s next?” I would say is the query that plagued her and how would she pursue on now that what significantly defined her most of her life, the cancer, has been taken away. So there were numerous response emails in her blog and she read those only to be inspired to take on the in- between journey. Suleika travelled across the US, and visited each letter sender who gave an impact to her ordeal. She took a quote from one of the letters which said,
“Meaning is not found in the material realm; it’s not in dinner, in jazz, cocktails, or conversation. Meaning is what’s left when everything else is stripped away.”
My whole self greatly negate this quote. But I agree that this is the right perspective. I have taken on such important roles and goals and most of the time I achieved those goals along with a set of expectations of myself. My version of in- between is ticking each box of expectations met in a particular timeline until I reach the end point or the end goal. That’s how stringent and hard I was on myself, I guess. It’s either I am successful, or sometimes I fail; nevertheless, I find meaning in both and rarely find insight with the process other than endurance. So much so that if failure ensued, my endurance is now of great length to prepare and do it all over again. Vacation or breaks are part of my in-between but they are the good pockets that I’m talking about, and as they are breaks, they are not for the long haul. But my being a full time housewife as of the moment is a different kind in- between experience. Why? because I tend to see career as a win and staying at home personally feels like I am stuck. Probably because I am deeply rooted to the purpose of being a Physician and doing things I am passionate about other than that, would usually do not take much of my time. If I would make myself a pie chart, it would take at least 70% of me being in my vocation and 30% as other else. Approximately that big of a deal because I am a physician to my own family and I feel like I am largely responsible with their health (thus, the anxiety), also to some of my friends, aside from attending patients in the hospital. When we were in the Philippines, my husband and I would only see each other 3x a week on a regular basis since part of our duty was to stay in the hospital overnight or more. That’s why we decided to move to Australia since time in our country is not healthy for us. Although this full- time housewife thing is so new to me, that the comfort it brings is so eerie and taking this role takes a great amount of time in getting used to and as well as a lot of trial and error.
Then it hit me. The topic literally shot a hole in my dense belief of being stuck in the moment. Back in the Philippines when I was practicing Medicine, I know that what I do is a vocation and it is purposeful. Presently, I am stripped of that purpose and to find meaning in what I have is undeniably difficult. Every waking day, I fervently remind myself that what I do is to support my husband who takes the responsibility as a sole provider, and everyday he would affirm how huge amount of love and support he receives from me. But does it completely encompass the meaning I am looking for?
“… and in the end that’s the trick: to stop seeing our health as binary, between sick and healthy, well and unwell, whole and broken, to stop thinking that there’s some beautiful wellness to strive for and to quit living in a state of constant dissatisfaction until we reach it.” – Suleika Jaouad
I do not think that there is such thing as completely encompassing meaning in one go. I decided that in my version of in-between place, I am going to bit by bit collect puzzle pieces and connect it one by one. I’d be grateful for each piece even if I picked the mundane, corner pieces, like figuring out how to wash the laundry efficiently or the bigger, center piece like taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually which I tend to overlook when I am busy at work. I am but treading lightly and at the same time consciously shying away from misleading pieces of constant dissatisfaction, extraneous judgment, and worry. I reckon that it is easy to say these things, though certainly hard to execute, but that’s the point of the in-between: to move about in that place where you will intermittently find pieces of yourself, and putting it together, without the anticipation or the assurance if you are in the starting point or towards the end point of a goal. I am going to confront my fear of the unknown and learn in raw and without preconceptions. Hard to do, yes, but at least there’s this blog to remind me.
“Every single one of us will have our life interrupted. Whether it’s by a rip cord of a diagnosis or some other kind of heart break, or trauma that brings us to the floor. We need to find ways to live in the in-between place, managing whatever body and mind we currently have. Sometimes, all it takes is the ingenuity of a handmade game of scrabble or finding that stripped down kind of meaning in the love of family and a night of ballroom dance floor, or that radical, dangerous hope. If you are able to do that, then you have taken the real hero’s journey. You’ve achieved what it means to actually be well which is to say: alive in the messiest, richest, most whole sense.” – Suleika Jaouad
I am sharing this quote sent by a good friend and a fellow housewife (whom I got the chance to interview and will soon post):
Wherever you are in the journey, there’s always going to be a puzzle to put together. Those pieces might be scattered, at least you are able to find them so, be grateful. You will encounter many of those to create a meaningful picture but the most important puzzle to be whole again is yourself and know that those pieces are in the place called in-between.
The Housewife, MD 